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I have obtained an audio recording of a secret meeting of the people who run California behind the scenes. The membership of the group has never been made public, but I can now confirm that it includes 10 environmentalists, 3 teachers, 2 bond underwriters, 8 plaintiffs’ attorneys, 6 professionally certified lunatics, the CEO of a candle company, 231 union leaders and one California business leader, calling in from his home in Toronto.

The group met after the latest flash-mob looting in the state, a highly publicized attack on the Nordstrom store at the Topanga mall in the west San Fernando Valley. In 1978, the Topanga mall was designated a protected habitat for Valley Girls.

“We have to do something about these smash-and-grab robberies,” said one of the professionally certified lunatics.

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The union leaders threatened to walk out.

“May I share my screen?” the business leader asked.

No one answered.

“You’re on mute,” an environmentalist said.

“Oh, sorry,” the business leader said. “Here’s the video of the incident.”

He shared the recording of 30 or so masked thieves rushing through the sales floor of the department store, grabbing armloads of designer clothing from the racks. Some of the costly merchandise was secured to metal and glass display shelves with anti-theft cables. The video showed one thief carrying away a handbag still attached to the shelf unit, which dragged on the floor behind him like a reluctant dog on a leash.

“Our polling suggests,” said one of the bond underwriters, “that if we put a $20 billion prison-construction bond on the ballot, voters would go for it.”

Everybody threatened to walk out.

“No, really,” the bond underwriter continued. “There’s a perfect site right next to Nordstrom, the former Rocketdyne site. It’s where the Apollo moon mission engines were built. We could build a 35-story maximum security prison right there.”

“It’s contaminated from the Cold War,” said one of the lunatics. “It may not be suitable for human habitation.”

“It’s polling very well,” the bond underwriter said.

“Well, if we could put a man on the moon….” the lunatic said hopefully.

“We have to think about a more immediate solution,” an environmentalist growled. “Building things takes 20 years in California. We have to protect the endangered Valley Girls.”

“And the workers,” said a union leader.

“And the retailers,” said the business leader.

“You’re on mute,” said one of the teachers.

“All right,” said an environmentalist. “I’ve got it. Here it is. We’ll ban the cars.”

“In the Valley?” said a union leader. “Are you a lunatic?”

“How about just banning the getaway cars,” said one of the lunatics.

“That’s it!” said the environmentalist. “We’ll eliminate parking spaces near the stores! We’ll make it impossible for the getaway cars to park close to the exits! Then when the thieves run out of the store, they’ll have to wait for a clean electric shuttle!”

“And the shuttles won’t be working!” said another environmentalist. “So they’ll have to walk, and it’s 106 degrees on that pavement in the summer!”

Nearly everyone agreed this was an excellent plan.

“We’ll build low-income housing on the parking lot!” said a union leader.

“We’ll do a $30 billion bond for it!” said a bond underwriter.

“We’ll reserve 5% of the units for Valley Girls!” said an environmentalist.


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